Updated: Oct 11
When I didn’t know God fully, I was Independent. I worked after school to earn my own money. I studied really hard to help my parents. I only depended on myself and not on anyone else.
At home, I would rather keep my problems, my anxieties, my fears and doubts to myself. I didn't want to make my parents more worried as they have problems which were more important than my own. I would rather for them to give full attention to my other three siblings.
At school, I used to be bullied by the whole class. It was funny because they all didn't want to be friends with me. They didn't want to even sit next to me. I believed them when they called me weak. From then, instead of being myself, I tried my best to be more like them. I dressed like them, I talked like them, and I even tried to think like them. I just wanted constant approval from them. I was scared to get judged again so I decided to fit in.
However, it wasn't then that I felt truly loved and accepted, it was when I attended Adore 2018 Youth Congress. When I did my first ever confession after a very long time, i felt loved and forgiven. I felt that He was always there just waiting for me with open arms. When Jesus was exposed in the Blessed Sacrament during Adoration, I felt like He hand picked me from the crowd and said to me, “My child, Welcome Home”.
The emptiness that I was feeling before was gone, it was as if it has been filled. I felt some sort of familiarity, a sense of warmth, a sense of longingness. Someone was actually longing for me this whole time. I was willing to follow Him wherever He leads me.
And he led me to a youth leaders camp, I was the newbie. I felt excited but scared. I was scared because I know I was not fully ready yet. I was not ready because I don’t know enough. There was a reflection activity where we had to think about our deepest fears, hurts, pains and insecurities. This was from my journal, from that reflection:
“I was scared to dwell in the darkness because I had hidden a part of me in the dark; my insecurities, sins, and fears. And if discovered I may become more unworthy before our Father. However, I felt that in that darkness there was a stream of water. I couldn't see it but I could hear it. I followed and it led me to Him and He said: The water from this river has reached foreign lands where unbelievers and sinners live. I have come to bring salvation to all through the forgiveness of their sins. Take courage, love, and peace from my creation. I have made the Earth beautiful so that when you look at it you’ll think of me. I am not asking for much. All I need is your love.”